It’s been a while.  I know some of you missed me.  And I don’t care about the rest of you.  We’ve reached the part of the season where the contenders are going to start separating themselves from the pretenders.  Let’s check-in and see where your team is at.

Bolsheviks vs Nigerian Yaks

A match-up of the two winningest teams in league history and both are currently tied atop their respective division.  Any team led by Kirk Cousins is going to be in the mix, it’s been proven almost every season, and this year is no different.  But the Yaks also have a strong set of starting RBs and WRs.  The Bolsheviks have more volatile RBs and WRs, but they also probably have higher ceilings.  They will go as Bo Nix goes. 

Verdict: Both teams are contenders, but probably not strong enough to continue their legacies.  Although the Bolsheviks legacy is more of a “how the hell did they win,” so maybe they are right where they need to be.

Turbo vs Liq-ourballs

Turbo has Jahmyr Gibbs and every backup RB in the league, hoping one of them gets a shot.  But they also have Josh Allen and Christian Watson, so they probably have more than enough fire power.  Liq-ourballs at one point has had every Packers RB.  The Packers, who have one of the worst rushing offenses in the league.  You can guess how that has worked for them.  Too many of their other guys are not going to pop off often enough.

Verdict: Turbo is right up there as the best team in the league.  Though it pains me, a lot, to write that.  Liq-ourballs is a pretender.  They’re kind of hanging around, but it is just a matter of time before they sit back in their smoking jacket, with a cigar and bourbon thinking about what might be, to doing the exact same thing but thinking about maybe next year.

Hairbear vs My Ball Zach Ertz

My 11-year-old niece figured out the double entendre for My Ball Zach Ertz, and now that is her favorite team in the league. At least of the names of teams that I will allow her to know about.  They are led by Joe Burrow and Puca Nacua and as long as they get average games out of the other shlubs they start, they will be tough to beat.  Hairbear has a team filled with guys that are hurt, underachieving, backups, unemployed or Trevor Lawrence and Bucky Irving.  I’m not sure what their plan is.

Verdict: In a tight division, MBZE should hang right till the end.  Will they have enough to push through to the ‘ship?  That might be tough.  One of these years will be Hairbear’s year, but not this one. 

Teddy Ruxpins vs Hamburg Hooligans

The Ruxpins are rough and they know it.  They will have to win out to make the playoffs, in all likelihood.  The Hooligans are somehow winning in spite of the themselves.  They are getting nothing from Saquon and not much more from Justin Jefferson, but they still have sole position of first place in their division.  I’d joke that is because they must be playing good defense, but they have given up 60 more points than they have scored.  I can’t explain it.  

Verdict: Even with the inevitable fleecing of one of you idiots that Ruxpins is sure to do, they are basically Ric Flair. They aren’t dead yet, but nobody understands how they aren’t.  The Hooligans can’t sustain their luck and will fall out of the race.

nWo vs Balls of Hate

I could write basically anything I want to about nWo.  They don’t read this.  They might even know this exists.  They also don’t always enter a lineup.  Or seem to know much about fantasy football.  Balls of Hate is feast or famine.  They might score 120.  They might score 70.  Who knows from week to week.  What I do know is they really need Jonathan Taylor to get traded to a real team.  If that happens, they could be in decent shape.  Assuming Rodgers doesn’t kill them with a 4-turnover game on any given week.

Verdict: nWo should change their logo to Vincent because that is the only thing nWo-like about this team.  Balls of Hate has some work to do, but they have the ability to put up points that can compete with anyone.

Mad Dogs vs T**m H**s

Mad Dogs are another one of these teams that is hanging around, but I’m not sure how.  They have Bijan, who is usually going to put up points and Jared Goff who can put up a big number, but not much else.  They average under 100 points a week, which leads me to believe that their wins are lucky.  There is nothing about T**m H**s that is luck.  That’s just straight up poor planning and mismanagement.  Yet they are still of the belief that their team is not that bad.  OK.  They have every Arizona RB.  Why?  Because nobody else wanted them.

Verdict: Both of these teams are pretenders.  Well, T**m H**s isn’t pretending to be anything.  They are terrible and they aren’t even trying to hide it, even if they are proud of it.

Trash Pandas vs nWo Wulfpack

Trash Pandas famously likes to say they are the victims of being the highest scoring team and yet miss the playoffs due to bad luck.  At least this year they will know they missed the playoffs because their team is brutal.  The entire team is filled with 2^nd fiddles in their NFL teams’ offenses.  That will lead you to a 2-6 record.  Meanwhile, Wulfpack is keeping up with regular nWo by starting Lamar Jackson this week.  I don’t even know how that can happen.  You should have just picked up Fitz and started him.

Verdict: Trash Pandas should just change their name to Trash.  nWo Wulfpack is heading toward being replaced by John Wulf.

Team Blitz-Craig vs Shock Value

This is a juicy match-up and could well be a Conference Championship preview.  Both of these teams are pretty solid at all of the skill positions.  It is hard for me not to think that Blitz-Craig will navigate this correctly going forward, but Shock Value will find a way to screw it up.  Past performance does not guarantee future results.

Verdict: Blitz-Craig will be the East-West representative in the Championship.  Shock Value might be heading toward a Wild Card loss.