| Mean Joe Greene Division | |||||
| # | Team | W | L | T | PF |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 4 | 3 | 1 | 0 | 664.74 | |
| 5 | 3 | 1 | 0 | 657.06 | |
| 8 | 2 | 2 | 0 | 518.60 | |
| Jack Lambert Division | |||||
| # | Team | W | L | T | PF |
| 6 | 2 | 2 | 0 | 611.10 | |
| 7 | 2 | 2 | 0 | 475.22 | |
| 10 | 1 | 3 | 0 | 464.64 | |
| Terry Bradshaw Division | |||||
| # | Team | W | L | T | PF |
| 2 | 3 | 1 | 0 | 552.48 | |
| 11 | 1 | 3 | 0 | 529.78 | |
| 12 | 0 | 4 | 0 | 471.66 | |
| Franco Harris Division | |||||
| # | Team | W | L | T | PF |
| 1 | 3 | 1 | 0 | 568.76 | |
| 3 | 3 | 1 | 0 | 556.61 | |
| 9 | 1 | 3 | 0 | 474.69 | |
By Football McFumbles, Satirical Sports Correspondent
Week 4 is complete, and apparently setting a full lineup has become optional.
Coach Connor continued terrorizing the league. Coach Dennis reminded his son who's in charge. Coach Chuck's computer keeps winning. And Coach Chris discovered an innovative new fantasy strategy: start fewer players than everyone else.
THE TURKEYS ARE STILL HUNGRY
Last week Coach Connor scored 223.14.
Surely he'd come back to Earth.
Nope. 187.12.
Kyren Williams detonated for 40.70, Joe Burrow added 30.72, Malik Nabers 25.20 and Brock Bowers 20.60.
Coach Rich responded with Saquon Barkley's 2.00 and Rashee Rice's 0.00.
Jobu doesn't need a refill.
Jobu needs an exorcism.
Coach Connor improves to 3-1 and has scored 410.26 points in two weeks.
The Turkeys aren't fighting anymore.
They're hunting.
WAX ON. WAX OFF. HOLD THIS L.
The student challenged the master.
It did not go well.
Coach Jackson actually put up an excellent 144.78 with a perfect 100% MER. Chuba Hubbard scored 27.90 and Zay Flowers added 27.80.
Coach Dennis looked across the dojo and said, “Cute.”
The Warbirds answered with 173.00, led by Javonte Williams at 31.30 and Tee Higgins at 30.70.
Mr. Miyagi has spoken.
Coach Dennis improves to 3-1. Coach Jackson falls to 1-3.
Somewhere tonight, Coach Dennis is handing his son a bucket and sponge.
Wax on, Coach Jackson. Wax off.
THE SHOTTENHEIMERS HAVE STOPPED PRETENDING
First, some credit: Coach Chris rebounded from last week's 85.46 to score 129.36.
CeeDee Lamb alone scored an absurd 45.90.
And Coach Chris still lost by nearly 58 points.
Why?
Well, Justin Jefferson was injured and inactive. Coach Chris started him anyway.
Then Coach Chris apparently looked at his empty D/ST slot and thought:
Defense? In this economy?
No defense. Zero points.
Meanwhile, Coach Jeff casually dropped 187.12 behind Tetairoa McMillan's ridiculous 50.20, Nico Collins' 32.80 and Bijan Robinson's 32.70.
Coach Jeff improves to 3-1.
Coach Chris falls to 0-4.
At this point the Shottenheimers aren't rebuilding.
They're being investigated by the league office for abandonment.
COACH BRAD, WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION
Last week Coach Brad got flattened by Coach Connor, 223.14-110.28.
Apparently the psychological damage carried over.
This week?
83.58.
Kenyon Sadiq: 0.00.
Parker Washington: 2.00.
Emeka Egbuka: 3.30.
David Montgomery: 4.30.
That's not a fantasy roster.
That's the PIN number to Coach Brad's ATM card.
Coach John's RZA didn't exactly unleash hell at 134.42, but Kenneth Walker III's 32.90 was more than enough.
RZA improves to 2-2.
Coach Brad falls to 1-3 after being outscored 357.56-193.86 over the last two weeks.
Droppin' Deuces?
Mission accomplished.
THE COMPUTER BEATS ANOTHER HUMAN
Coach Brian actually got 23.50 from Carnell Tate and 21.60 from Quinshon Judkins.
Unfortunately, he also started injured and inactive Jalen Coker.
0.00.
Coach Brian apparently saw Coach Chris starting an inactive Justin Jefferson and said, “Hold my beer.”
Coach Chuck's CRUSHERS didn't even play particularly well. Matthew Stafford scored 11.68. His running backs combined for 14.90.
Didn't matter.
Puka Nacua dropped 29.70 and the autodrafted defending champion improved to 3-1.
Coach Chuck continues proving that draft preparation is apparently a scam invented by Big Fantasy Football.
Coach Brian falls to 1-3.
The Bronze Zone™ is no longer a destination.
It's calling him home.
AUTODRAFT MAGIC HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE
Coach Neil's computer finally encountered a problem it couldn't solve:
Its players stunk.
Ja'Marr Chase scored 5.70. Travis Kelce 3.50. Raheim Sanders 6.42. D'Andre Swift 7.40.
Crows Stand finished with 91.24.
Coach Dave didn't need fireworks. Christian McCaffrey scored 16.00, Derrick Henry 15.90, Michael Wilson 16.50 and kicker Spencer Shrader somehow chipped in 17.40.
Buffalo Soldier moves to a quiet 3-1.
Coach Neil falls to 2-2.
The laptop that drafted Crows Stand has reportedly issued a statement:
“Don't blame me. I gave him the roster.”
Coach Connor: Another 187.12 after last week's 223.14. Somebody test the gravy.
Coach Dennis: Defeats his son and earns permanent control of the Cheplick family dojo. Miyagi 1, Karate Kid 0.
Coach Jeff: 187.12 and 3-1. The Annual Steel Curtain Fade™ has been temporarily delayed due to unexpectedly competent football.
Coach Chuck: 3-1 with an autodrafted roster. Every victory is another argument for canceling next year's draft entirely.
Coach Brad: 83.58. Somehow Coach Chris wasn't even the week's lowest scorer.
Coach Brian: Started an inactive player. The Bronze Zone™ welcomes careless lineup management.
And finally...
Coach Chris: 0-4.
Inactive Justin Jefferson.
No defense.
After scoring 85.46 last week.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the point where Football McFumbles can no longer roast the Shottenheimers faster than the Shottenheimers roast themselves.
0-4. The dream is alive.
Steel Curtain wrote:Wow those are awesome! Nicely done! Thanks John!
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